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Dreamcatcher
(The 2016 Nostalgia-Ween opening plays, before showing NC, wearing his Nostalgia-Ween shirt, in his room) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (Suddenly notices a glass of wine) Why, what is this? (Sniffs the wine) I'm getting...anti-religious commentary. (Sniffs the wine) A hint of...one-dimensional villains and/or rednecks. (Sniffs the wine) And a...soupcon of something really stupid trying to come across as scary but instead coming across as really stupid. (Gasps and smiles) IT'S STEPHEN KING TIME! (Stephen King is shown bobbing his head near the background of a children's castle as children cheer and the logo "Stephen King Time!" is shown. Footage of Stephen King's adaptations (It, The Tommyknockers, The Langoliers, The Shining Mini-Series, Children of the Corn) NC reviewed before are shown as NC speaks) NC (vo): Sometimes, I feel bad picking on this guy's worst work, but his worst work is clearly having so much fun being his worst work that, in the end, everybody's having a good time. So, let's keep the Nostalgia-Ween tradition going by looking at his 2003 film... NC: ...The Story Where Aliens Come Out of People's Butts! (The poster of the movie is briefly shown with NC's title) I mean, Dreamcatcher. (The poster with the real title is briefly shown) I mean...The Story Where Aliens Come Out of People's Butts. (The movie's logo is shown, before showing the movie's clips) NC (vo): Yep. This was the first book King wrote after his nearly fatal car accident in 1999. Does it show? (A scene showing an alien coming out of a person's butt (the butt is censored by an image of King's face) is shown) NC: With King, it's hard to tell. (We resume seeing movie clips) NC (vo): This is the film everyone remembers specifically for one reason: It has monsters that explode out of your ass. (A scene from a movie showing Bill Pullman making a disgusted sound is shown. Note: Which is the movie? Tell me.) NC (vo): Because apparently, there's nothing more terrifying than shit-weasels. You may laugh at me calling them that, but that's the official term even the movie gives them! Colonel Abraham Curtis: What about the shit-weasels? NC (vo): King said in an interview that he wanted to do for the toilet what Psycho did for the shower. But I don't think you can do that when "shit-weasel" is the name that's being thrown around. Colonel Abraham Curtis: What about the shit-weasels? NC (vo): So let's take a look at what obviously came out of somebody's ass... NC: Come on, King. That joke was gift-wrapped by you. This is Dreamcatcher. (The movie's opening credits are shown) NC (vo): We open with every early 2000s credit sequence with blurry close-ups of things...Yay! You're every kid who laid his head on the desk and held his eraser to his eye!...as we see the director is the writer of The Empire Strikes Back and The Force Awakens (Lawrence Kasdan). And clearly, he's still getting his snow fetish on. (Images of snowy scenes from both Star Wars films are shown) Seriously, is this a thing? (Cut to a psychiatrist named Henry talking with a man) It starts with a psychiatrist named Henry, who can read his patients' minds because he's a psychic... (The caption "Psychic" appears below Henry) NC: Wow! Not even a minute in, and we have a trope that he uses all the time! Henry: She called out to you from that big fancy old bed. Man: How could you know what happened? Henry: Does it matter? NC: Okay, look, King, I know everybody has a style, but...there's only so many ways I can make jokes about using the same cliches! (Various past Stephen King-related jokes are shown) NC (vo): The Stephen King Drinking Game, the Stephen King Board Game, the Troperaiser, the dart board, the Twilight Zone parody... NC: I know you're very comfortable doing the same thing over and over and over, but I'm not! (Images of NC's past running gags, Elephant in the Room, Chuck Norris, M. Bison saying "Of course!", Casper saying "Timing!" and the Bat Credit Card, are shown briefly) For the most part. Do I really have to find a new way to make fun of your flura of originality? (Beat) Hey, where does this take place, anyway? (The movie's caption reveals that it takes place in, yep, Derry, Maine. We immediately cut to NC hosting a game of Stephen King Jeopardy, with Malcolm, Tamara and Chester A. Bum as contestants) NC: And the board belongs to you, Tamara. Which category would you like to choose? Tamara: Let's do Unexplained Psychics for 200. (The clue is shown on the board as NC reads it) NC: You'll find children and/or adults can do literally the unexplained with their minds here. (Malcolm presses the button) Malcolm? Malcolm: What is every Stephen King story ever written? NC: Correct. Malcolm: Annoying Long Flashbacks for 400. (The Video Daily Double logo is shown on the board) NC: That is the video Daily Double. (The movie shows a flashback showing a group of boys encountering a bully tormenting a kid) NC (vo): Look. Boys from the past being threatened by bullies as developed as wet cardboard. (Tamara presses the button) Tamara: What is every Stephen King story ever written? NC: Correct. Tamara: Let's do Ugh for 600. (The clue is shown on the board) NC: An alcoholic...of course, of course an alcoholic. (Chester presses the button) Chester? Chester: What is the point of me being here? NC: No, I'm so sorry. The correct answer was, "What is every Stephen King story ever written?". Chester: No, I'm seriously asking, what is the point of me being here? NC: We needed a third pace to be filled. Chester: Can I still get that sandwich you promised me? NC: No. (To the viewers) Join us next time on Stephen King Jeopardy, which will be almost...immediately! (Back to the movie) NC (vo): So Henry uses his psychic powers to help paranoid people think they're even more paranoid. Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:NC Stephen King Reviews Category:Nostalgia-Ween